JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
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Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.