I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
You Might Also Like
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Oh yeah that’s it
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
lumberjacks will cut a birch
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
lmfao come on
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.