My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
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Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known