Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
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[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*