Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
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I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!