British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
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Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?