i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
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wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
How do horror writers compete with current events?
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)