Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
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This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.