Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
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Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?