I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
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*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Favourite diary entry ever
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
not to brag, but mine was free
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.