You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
You Might Also Like
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Catering service
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.