Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
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Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.