a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
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When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!