wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
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You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.