I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
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Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.