According to math, I’m broke
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I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.