Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
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oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Finally!
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
(more comics:
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.