A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
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MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
My purse is deeper than some people.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow