*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
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I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
BETRAYAL
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
plums roundup
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.