Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
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[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Become ungovernable.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer