Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
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summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
I’m confused about plants
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.