After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
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Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.