My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
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Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
File under excellent bookstore names.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels