My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
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When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking