So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
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why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs