When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
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Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.