[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
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Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
we all know this pain all too well
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Morning my dudes.