*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
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Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Breaking news:
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing