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My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
What flavor cupcake are these
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.