Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
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8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.