Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
You Might Also Like
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
But wait…
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
(by @ZachWeiner )
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.