If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
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I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house