[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
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dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
This is Sparta
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?