The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
You Might Also Like
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
New mindset, who dis?
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.