“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
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FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Watermelon Boss!
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.