#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
You Might Also Like
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
I have obtained a hat
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’