Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
You Might Also Like
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon