Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
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If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.