you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
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Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
🤣🤣🤣
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.