How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
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If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Look at this
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.