If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
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My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
another case of gang violins
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.