On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
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wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Me trying to walk in a dream
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.