*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
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You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
I can’t be the only one 😂
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”