What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
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I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Got ya covered
We are the people our parents warned us about.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
I can’t stop watching this.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.