The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
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if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.