The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
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I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.