I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
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Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Netflix and awkward silence?
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”