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My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Smells like a challenge to me
*bites zombie*
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.