Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
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Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Mood.. 😂
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color