6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
You Might Also Like
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.